Tanner's 18th B-day note:

One morning I woke up to the best gift ever, about a week after my 18th birthday.  Everything was new.  The color of the walls, the beeping sounds around me, the blinking lights, an oh, the mass amount of new and ever so friendly people.  I didn't initially know who they where, but they tried to tell me.
It was weird at first, but exciting to hear of your own history, for the first time, and be impatient to learn about what happened next.  Things were uncomfortable at first, yet, everyone around me was so accommodating, I began to wonder why.
This is what started me on examining myself, inside and out.  Trying to piece together my current surroundings, and these odd and random tales I was hearing from all those around me.  It was pretty exciting you see, each night I was allowed to go outside and watch the fireworks.
Fireworks, 4th of July, yeah, I remembered that's what symbolizes that hooliday!  But wait, that's only supposed to be for one night a year.  This is happening every night?  More confusion added to the pile, oh well.   Time to return to my bed, and get strapped back in with my chains.  I started wondering and asking questions about that too.
Why do I need these restraints, I'm not trying to get away.  Or, maybe I should, I'm being chained up here.  I even started devising escape routes and plans with some of these people that told me they were my closest of friends back in the day.  I was later told it was for my own good, better for me, so that's O.K....
But why?
I started recognizing the people who were coming to visit me, and even having some memories of my history with them, random and scattered of course.  But, to this day, I can't tell you if they were real memories, or the ones I was just told about or even wanted to have.  This is where I figured out how each person's 'true' past is really only their own conception of what happened.  Just the way 'they' remembered it.  How much truth is in this history, how can I ever trust and accept it?  This is when I was told about religion, it was all meant to happen, for your own good.  Just have faith, and all will be all right...
But wait!
You want me to stop thinking, and questioning the details  of my past and current situation to STOP my worrying about my future?  That doesn't make any sense to me, God damn it!   I'm finally getting a grip on things here and now your telling me, for my own benefit of course, to STOP questioning things?  It was at this point I was informed of why I was able to see fireworks every night.  We were located right next door to Disneyland.  Oh, the amount of new memories came pouring back to me about that place!!!
I was being moved to many different places, new situations and new challenges.  It kept me entertained having so many new people to meet and area's to explore.  I was like a little kid in a candy store, couldn't keep my hands off the merchandise.  My new cell mates were of a different caliber though, they seemed a little odd.  They acted much differently than anyone I had met at the place with the fireworks.  More wheel chairs, odd responses to my questions, strange behaviors with everyday things.  It was at this point when all these people that I was beginning to have memories about started telling me how lucky I was.
Lucky!  To be here with all these lunatic's?!?!
Wow!  I'm remembering what is supposed to be normal, and I am not it.
I am one of those lunatic's...
This is where I started having memories of my own past, as well as questioning my own feeling about those memories.  I was going through adolescence all over again, not much fun if you know what I mean being 18 and all...
I remember never being comfortable with all these un-certainties, struggling for answers to these never ending question's to give me some peace of mind.  I used to go to church with my best friend, but never really listened.  I was mainly waiting for the breakfast that followed at a fancy restaurant called Baxter's.  I even remember going there with one of the pastor's, I had come with his daughter.  She didn't seem to pay much attention to the sermon's either, she dated about as many different people as me.  She had a child her junior year of high school.  Now she's way more religious.
My friend and I had many debates over this God issue, but usually only came down to him saying  I just didn't understand.  I didn't have enough faith in God, and that's all I would ever need to answer all my questions.  Of course that was never enough to quench my thirst for answers.  That's what makes human's 'Superior beings?', is it not?
Our advanced abilities to ponder, rationalize, and explore this neveer ending maze of a world around us.  At this time I realized what provided  this peace through religion,  acceptance.  But what am I supposed to accept?  There are so many religions out there, and haven't they caused most of the conflict and death by the people on this earth?  How can I accept anything of that sort, doesn't make any sense to me.  Just stop thinking about it, and just be happy.  That's all it's supposed to take, right?
Well, enough about my persistent pandering about the meaning of life, the answers to questions that have none.  This is where the power lies in finding your own peace.  Finding the answer to all those questions is very liberating.  That answer lies in the question's very self.  What is wrong with uncertainty?  Why do I need any answer's?  What is wrong with just being happy?  This is where the miracle of life became apparent to me.
Success in life is of your own making.  What is success?, that's the first myth to be revealed.  What matters most to you, and how are you going to get it?
My first and favorite friend since I 'awoke' to the  fireworks,  I met when I was living in La Jolla.  I felt so comfortable with him, I used to talk his ear off, endlessly.  The expressions he would give in response were so precious.  He was a great listener, maybe because his head injury had made him a paraplegic mute in an electric wheelchair?  But, never the less, he was my closet friend during the hardest time of my life.  And yet, I do not remember his name.
Details, details, details.....
Labels are so worthless, memories of his smiles to my jokes will always be with me.  These are the things I am grateful for.  This is where I put my faith, in my happiness which I hope will influence your's other's as well.
'Faith in happiness', you may ask?  The positive energy and warmness these thought's automatically bring is proof enough for me to know their right.  The power and energy they give provide the strength to tackle the biggest of life's challenges.  One of my favorite 'prayers' is from Bob Marley, 'Don't worry, just be happy now......'
This 'faith' of mine is what allows me such great delight in all of life's events.   Whether it's walking through a field of fragrant daffodils enjoying the breeze upon my face, or the reverberating echo's of my footsteps while walking through the mud in the refreshing rain.  I think this is what is meant by 'One's happiness is in your own hands', and it requires your own effort and perseverance to find and experience it.  Enjoying it will be automatic, no effort required.
Again, we will return to that incredible gift I recieved, the one I referred to earlier.   Have you been able to figure out what gift I am referring to?  That provides me with all the peace and comfort that I now enjoy.  I will leave you with this  one hint,
I now know not to kNOw, ya know.

Omnipotent Meditation

Meditation
enables us to find our own inner hum,
or Om,
and enables us the best chance
to align ourselves with this
Omnipotent, all powerful,
life energy,
and experience its Blissssss.....
...to get to this place
is simple.
Just focus on the ringing between
your ears.
Enable yourself to
Hear the silence, and
Experience it,
and only it,
Whatever it may be...

Picture our being,
is it a window of opportunity,
or a pile of waste,
simply being flushed away
??????????????
Hopefully,
you are able to see both!

DailyMeditation

My Four Little Ladies
O.K., let me start things off right here. To begin with, I have always thought about women toooooo........ much. What will they think?, what would they say?, yada yada yada... Since moving up to Washington recently, and being secluded indoors much more frequently than I am used to by the weather, I have done a whole hell of a lot more thinking about things and my life, in general. What has resulted, in my opinion of course, is an "enlightened" view of the world and the people who live upon it.

To show you all what I am talking about here I will give you descriptions of the four 'Little Women' in my life. We will go in the order that each of them came into my life. There is no difference between them being mentioned first or last, being better or worse. It's not like I would have learned anything that I could have used from them, at the time I was with them, to make my choices any better, any way. I'm a guy, always thinking with the wrong head, you get the picture.

First, there's Gurt. She is very rough around the edges in a real dismissive kind of way. Gurt doesn't really care about anyone else on this planet, or what they think. She makes all her own choices and decisions upon her own reasoning, and fears. Gurt has not had too happy of a life. Growing up on the side of the street, in a small town, none the less. No body ever paid her much attention, and or to her family. In fact, they were almost seen as pests, not wanted by society. No one took the time to admire there stern and simpy apparent honest character. They will live off what they can, and do the best with what they are given to live with. Gurt stands straight and isolated from the group of my little women. She doesn't like, even the appearance of, being similar to anyone, and or thing, out there. Those demons! It's like she is standing in a ball of flames. Stamping down all of those hellish influences out in the world today. I just wish that, at one time in her life, she would be able to see and appreciate those burning embers for the beauty and powerful purpose that they posess. In my opinion, if Gurt would have ever stopped, sat down and thought about all of these fears and influence's, things could have been more positive in here life. By things I don't just mean 'material' possesions, but thought's and feeling and relationships as well. It doesn't take my degree in Psychology to realize the affect one's emotions have upon their personality, actions, and eventually life's product and outcome.

Now, onto the second of my fourt little women, Earlene. She was from the same area as Gurt, had all the same influences. Yet, she turned out much differently. She has a much bigger concern with the public's opinion. She likes to wear the long, sweepeing and flowing dresses, always searching for one's eye. It always appears she is reaching out for one's attention. Even though she was not the most beautiful of things. She was a little older than the rest, more brown and gray, and faded by lifes trials and the energy that they drained from her. She had even put a fire pit in her front yard to throw all of the town's parties at. She always considered other's opinions before her own, feelling that would make her more acceptable. You know what I mean?, kinda leaning over to be in the middle of the crowd?

Oh, Daisey-May, Daisey-May, Daisey-May. She was the worst of them all. Her biggest influence was not what the public thought of her, but the impression that she didn't care what they thought of her. She was a very attractive and pert little thing, on her good days. If you could only see her in the mornings, when she was naked. She looked like a skinny little coat rack, with no coats. It takes the spring to get her made up all nice and pretty like. She has a slim figure, with very pronounced curves. All of her appearance was highly attended to.The color of her clothes was always bright, but with little faded sections just to accent the whole outfit. She was the type of lady that when she 'gave' anyone anything, she would reach out less than half the way to give it to you. This, of course, in attempts to have and make others give extra effort when dealing with her, whether they wanted to or not. In the same light, she had even put up bright and shiny stepping stones on a steep and curving trail to her front door, at which, she had a very plush and soft velvet chair for one to sit upon and rest while in her presence. Doesn't she sound like someone you'd choose to admire (worship)?

The last of my teachers is Betty. She is a cute girl, a little on the chubby side. She was as bright and shiney as Daisey-May, but not in an arrogant kind'a way. She was much like Earlene, but with a much more 'showy' type of presentation. She had a couple little one's always at her feet, but she always tried to stand tall and be above them. Not wanting to give the impression of being 'just another house Mom'. Betty always had her hair up in pig tails, or braids, or this and that, giving that buoyant appearrance to her. She was always in a positive and happy type of mood, but I would always be able to see beyond all of that. She still had that lean to her. Do you know what I'm talking about here? She was more concerned with other's opinions before her own. Always reaching into the crowd to feel as part of the group?

My four little ladies are of great importance to me. Not for their appearance, or sense of pride I get from their presence. No, for the lesson's they've taught me, and will forever continue to educate me of my own human nature. It makes me feel secure how they are always at my door for my every beck and call. I never have to worry about feeling isolated, because they will always be there for me. All they need from me is an occasional little loving attention. Please, please, please, don't be offended by my words here. Just have a look at my beloved little ladies here....

Current Understanding

Buddha Nature

Living life instinctually,

enabling actions to proceed

without the need for thoughts, judgments, opinions,

conscious behavior.

Only living with no needs,

desires,

or awareness of justification.

Just 'Being'

and active upon any and all

instincts is all that's needed.

There ought not be any worries about

taking wrong or negative actions

due to our Original, Positive, compassionate base nature.

Making the compassionate and

loving emotional, chemical reactions through our pancreas

is all of our bodies most beneficial and

primitive response to those thought/action sensation episodes in life.

What causes it to be so difficult for humans

is all of the excess thought and energy

that runs through our enlarged parietal lobes,

or as one may call them, our deformity/handicap.

All of these extra details

humans feel the need to run through our brains

(to ?, to rationalize, to categorize good/bad)

is what we have been trained and mislead to believe as being beneficial.

By living and thinking and behaving this way

is what we respect as maturity.

Think of a child's actions,

especially when they are all alone.

Aren't they generally smiling,

and enjoying what ever it may be?

If it wasn't for the 'Adult' interference

and attempts of guiding and teaching their child in the ways of the world,

would we have this same excessive amount of

negative human behaviors and or problems?

These over sized brains have caused this 'Intelligence',

are generalized incertainities and feelings of discomfort

due to our brains needs,

a rational/logical/intellectually justifiable reasoning.

(Common Sense?!?)

Isn't the quality of not needing a reason more common?

It is only us humans upon this earth,

out of all of the other forms of life and our reality,

that have this 'Need' for a reason.

Does this really make us more intelligent???

most current 'dumb ass' realization

I have finally gained an attribute that many struggle to enable. I have no true desire for wealth, possesion, or prosperity. I have set a lifestyle in which my necessities are covered.

My first failing is allowing past due child support to still accrue to an outrageous level. This is what has controlled my actions since my seperation/divorce. Putting it off as it wasn't important just made it an impossible debt to overcome. I am taking steps now to get it under control, but it will take much of one of our most important traits, patience.

The second failing is with my physical well being. I have become grotesquelly fat. I like to blame my love of cooking for this, but it can't take all the blame. Me being a lazy ass letting depression lead the way was no excuse. I need to stop this lack of concern for myself. This not only causes dangers for my own well being, but that of my family's emotionsl states. I, in no way ever, want to impose any negative energy towards my family.

I don't understand why so many people have a problem dealing with the things 'right now!' I'snt that what life is, anyway. Right now, make things better and have no regrets for the future. It seems pretty simple to me.