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Tanner's 18th B-day note:
One morning I woke up to the best gift ever, about a week after my 18th birthday. Everything was new. The color of the walls, the beeping sounds around me, the blinking lights, an oh, the mass amount of new and ever so friendly people. I didn't initially know who they where, but they tried to tell me.
It was weird at first, but exciting to hear of your own history, for the first time, and be impatient to learn about what happened next. Things were uncomfortable at first, yet, everyone around me was so accommodating, I began to wonder why.
This is what started me on examining myself, inside and out. Trying to piece together my current surroundings, and these odd and random tales I was hearing from all those around me. It was pretty exciting you see, each night I was allowed to go outside and watch the fireworks.
Fireworks, 4th of July, yeah, I remembered that's what symbolizes that hooliday! But wait, that's only supposed to be for one night a year. This is happening every night? More confusion added to the pile, oh well. Time to return to my bed, and get strapped back in with my chains. I started wondering and asking questions about that too.
Why do I need these restraints, I'm not trying to get away. Or, maybe I should, I'm being chained up here. I even started devising escape routes and plans with some of these people that told me they were my closest of friends back in the day. I was later told it was for my own good, better for me, so that's O.K....
But why?
I started recognizing the people who were coming to visit me, and even having some memories of my history with them, random and scattered of course. But, to this day, I can't tell you if they were real memories, or the ones I was just told about or even wanted to have. This is where I figured out how each person's 'true' past is really only their own conception of what happened. Just the way 'they' remembered it. How much truth is in this history, how can I ever trust and accept it? This is when I was told about religion, it was all meant to happen, for your own good. Just have faith, and all will be all right...
But wait!
You want me to stop thinking, and questioning the details of my past and current situation to STOP my worrying about my future? That doesn't make any sense to me, God damn it! I'm finally getting a grip on things here and now your telling me, for my own benefit of course, to STOP questioning things? It was at this point I was informed of why I was able to see fireworks every night. We were located right next door to Disneyland. Oh, the amount of new memories came pouring back to me about that place!!!
I was being moved to many different places, new situations and new challenges. It kept me entertained having so many new people to meet and area's to explore. I was like a little kid in a candy store, couldn't keep my hands off the merchandise. My new cell mates were of a different caliber though, they seemed a little odd. They acted much differently than anyone I had met at the place with the fireworks. More wheel chairs, odd responses to my questions, strange behaviors with everyday things. It was at this point when all these people that I was beginning to have memories about started telling me how lucky I was.
Lucky! To be here with all these lunatic's?!?!
Wow! I'm remembering what is supposed to be normal, and I am not it.
I am one of those lunatic's...
This is where I started having memories of my own past, as well as questioning my own feeling about those memories. I was going through adolescence all over again, not much fun if you know what I mean being 18 and all...
I remember never being comfortable with all these un-certainties, struggling for answers to these never ending question's to give me some peace of mind. I used to go to church with my best friend, but never really listened. I was mainly waiting for the breakfast that followed at a fancy restaurant called Baxter's. I even remember going there with one of the pastor's, I had come with his daughter. She didn't seem to pay much attention to the sermon's either, she dated about as many different people as me. She had a child her junior year of high school. Now she's way more religious.
My friend and I had many debates over this God issue, but usually only came down to him saying I just didn't understand. I didn't have enough faith in God, and that's all I would ever need to answer all my questions. Of course that was never enough to quench my thirst for answers. That's what makes human's 'Superior beings?', is it not?
Our advanced abilities to ponder, rationalize, and explore this neveer ending maze of a world around us. At this time I realized what provided this peace through religion, acceptance. But what am I supposed to accept? There are so many religions out there, and haven't they caused most of the conflict and death by the people on this earth? How can I accept anything of that sort, doesn't make any sense to me. Just stop thinking about it, and just be happy. That's all it's supposed to take, right?
Well, enough about my persistent pandering about the meaning of life, the answers to questions that have none. This is where the power lies in finding your own peace. Finding the answer to all those questions is very liberating. That answer lies in the question's very self. What is wrong with uncertainty? Why do I need any answer's? What is wrong with just being happy? This is where the miracle of life became apparent to me.
Success in life is of your own making. What is success?, that's the first myth to be revealed. What matters most to you, and how are you going to get it?
My first and favorite friend since I 'awoke' to the fireworks, I met when I was living in La Jolla. I felt so comfortable with him, I used to talk his ear off, endlessly. The expressions he would give in response were so precious. He was a great listener, maybe because his head injury had made him a paraplegic mute in an electric wheelchair? But, never the less, he was my closet friend during the hardest time of my life. And yet, I do not remember his name.
Details, details, details.....
Labels are so worthless, memories of his smiles to my jokes will always be with me. These are the things I am grateful for. This is where I put my faith, in my happiness which I hope will influence your's other's as well.
'Faith in happiness', you may ask? The positive energy and warmness these thought's automatically bring is proof enough for me to know their right. The power and energy they give provide the strength to tackle the biggest of life's challenges. One of my favorite 'prayers' is from Bob Marley, 'Don't worry, just be happy now......'
This 'faith' of mine is what allows me such great delight in all of life's events. Whether it's walking through a field of fragrant daffodils enjoying the breeze upon my face, or the reverberating echo's of my footsteps while walking through the mud in the refreshing rain. I think this is what is meant by 'One's happiness is in your own hands', and it requires your own effort and perseverance to find and experience it. Enjoying it will be automatic, no effort required.
Again, we will return to that incredible gift I recieved, the one I referred to earlier. Have you been able to figure out what gift I am referring to? That provides me with all the peace and comfort that I now enjoy. I will leave you with this one hint,
I now know not to kNOw, ya know.
One morning I woke up to the best gift ever, about a week after my 18th birthday. Everything was new. The color of the walls, the beeping sounds around me, the blinking lights, an oh, the mass amount of new and ever so friendly people. I didn't initially know who they where, but they tried to tell me.
It was weird at first, but exciting to hear of your own history, for the first time, and be impatient to learn about what happened next. Things were uncomfortable at first, yet, everyone around me was so accommodating, I began to wonder why.
This is what started me on examining myself, inside and out. Trying to piece together my current surroundings, and these odd and random tales I was hearing from all those around me. It was pretty exciting you see, each night I was allowed to go outside and watch the fireworks.
Fireworks, 4th of July, yeah, I remembered that's what symbolizes that hooliday! But wait, that's only supposed to be for one night a year. This is happening every night? More confusion added to the pile, oh well. Time to return to my bed, and get strapped back in with my chains. I started wondering and asking questions about that too.
Why do I need these restraints, I'm not trying to get away. Or, maybe I should, I'm being chained up here. I even started devising escape routes and plans with some of these people that told me they were my closest of friends back in the day. I was later told it was for my own good, better for me, so that's O.K....
But why?
I started recognizing the people who were coming to visit me, and even having some memories of my history with them, random and scattered of course. But, to this day, I can't tell you if they were real memories, or the ones I was just told about or even wanted to have. This is where I figured out how each person's 'true' past is really only their own conception of what happened. Just the way 'they' remembered it. How much truth is in this history, how can I ever trust and accept it? This is when I was told about religion, it was all meant to happen, for your own good. Just have faith, and all will be all right...
But wait!
You want me to stop thinking, and questioning the details of my past and current situation to STOP my worrying about my future? That doesn't make any sense to me, God damn it! I'm finally getting a grip on things here and now your telling me, for my own benefit of course, to STOP questioning things? It was at this point I was informed of why I was able to see fireworks every night. We were located right next door to Disneyland. Oh, the amount of new memories came pouring back to me about that place!!!
I was being moved to many different places, new situations and new challenges. It kept me entertained having so many new people to meet and area's to explore. I was like a little kid in a candy store, couldn't keep my hands off the merchandise. My new cell mates were of a different caliber though, they seemed a little odd. They acted much differently than anyone I had met at the place with the fireworks. More wheel chairs, odd responses to my questions, strange behaviors with everyday things. It was at this point when all these people that I was beginning to have memories about started telling me how lucky I was.
Lucky! To be here with all these lunatic's?!?!
Wow! I'm remembering what is supposed to be normal, and I am not it.
I am one of those lunatic's...
This is where I started having memories of my own past, as well as questioning my own feeling about those memories. I was going through adolescence all over again, not much fun if you know what I mean being 18 and all...
I remember never being comfortable with all these un-certainties, struggling for answers to these never ending question's to give me some peace of mind. I used to go to church with my best friend, but never really listened. I was mainly waiting for the breakfast that followed at a fancy restaurant called Baxter's. I even remember going there with one of the pastor's, I had come with his daughter. She didn't seem to pay much attention to the sermon's either, she dated about as many different people as me. She had a child her junior year of high school. Now she's way more religious.
My friend and I had many debates over this God issue, but usually only came down to him saying I just didn't understand. I didn't have enough faith in God, and that's all I would ever need to answer all my questions. Of course that was never enough to quench my thirst for answers. That's what makes human's 'Superior beings?', is it not?
Our advanced abilities to ponder, rationalize, and explore this neveer ending maze of a world around us. At this time I realized what provided this peace through religion, acceptance. But what am I supposed to accept? There are so many religions out there, and haven't they caused most of the conflict and death by the people on this earth? How can I accept anything of that sort, doesn't make any sense to me. Just stop thinking about it, and just be happy. That's all it's supposed to take, right?
Well, enough about my persistent pandering about the meaning of life, the answers to questions that have none. This is where the power lies in finding your own peace. Finding the answer to all those questions is very liberating. That answer lies in the question's very self. What is wrong with uncertainty? Why do I need any answer's? What is wrong with just being happy? This is where the miracle of life became apparent to me.
Success in life is of your own making. What is success?, that's the first myth to be revealed. What matters most to you, and how are you going to get it?
My first and favorite friend since I 'awoke' to the fireworks, I met when I was living in La Jolla. I felt so comfortable with him, I used to talk his ear off, endlessly. The expressions he would give in response were so precious. He was a great listener, maybe because his head injury had made him a paraplegic mute in an electric wheelchair? But, never the less, he was my closet friend during the hardest time of my life. And yet, I do not remember his name.
Details, details, details.....
Labels are so worthless, memories of his smiles to my jokes will always be with me. These are the things I am grateful for. This is where I put my faith, in my happiness which I hope will influence your's other's as well.
'Faith in happiness', you may ask? The positive energy and warmness these thought's automatically bring is proof enough for me to know their right. The power and energy they give provide the strength to tackle the biggest of life's challenges. One of my favorite 'prayers' is from Bob Marley, 'Don't worry, just be happy now......'
This 'faith' of mine is what allows me such great delight in all of life's events. Whether it's walking through a field of fragrant daffodils enjoying the breeze upon my face, or the reverberating echo's of my footsteps while walking through the mud in the refreshing rain. I think this is what is meant by 'One's happiness is in your own hands', and it requires your own effort and perseverance to find and experience it. Enjoying it will be automatic, no effort required.
Again, we will return to that incredible gift I recieved, the one I referred to earlier. Have you been able to figure out what gift I am referring to? That provides me with all the peace and comfort that I now enjoy. I will leave you with this one hint,
I now know not to kNOw, ya know.
